I think I hinted sufficiently where I was and what I was doing. I have been off dealing with mental health issues.
It amazed me after losing 300 lb how much everybody wanted to talk about my weight loss, but nobody had any interest in the emotional issues that took me to 500 lb in the first place.
And as much as I wanted to talk about them, and tried, I was in no position to. Not only did I not have the words, but I didn't even understand what the issues were.
So where am I today?
Well, I believe I have sufficiently broke through the mental health issues that contributed to my lifelong weight problem, and contributed to my life struggles in recent years. Since having this recent breakthrough it appears as though all the stars are once again aligning themselves in my life. I am motivated to exercise and I'm enjoying it for the first time in years. My food has been excellent and I once again enjoy the patterns of eating that brought me my initial weight loss success.
Both of these are important because I have struggled with my physical health during this time. I have gained a significant amount of weight back. How much I don't know because I refuse to get on a scale. I am nowhere near the 500 lb I once was. But I am fairly certain I've regained over a hundred pounds of what I lost.
I have not talked much with anybody about my weight gain during my mental health struggles. It seems that nobody understood or cared. All most people ever noticed was the physical. All they ever wanted to talk about was the physical. This is as it was during my amazing weight loss journey. Everybody was excited about the physical transformation. Nobody wanted to talk about the emotional trauma that caused the weight in the first place. The fact that I struggled and regained weight seemed to many to be a huge disappointment. Once again my emotional state didn't matter, but the outward physical change did.
Shame on everyone who has this mindset.
Here's a dirty little secret for you all. Food addicts eat when they're under emotional stress. Period. There is no secret to this. There's also no shame to this. I knew that I was gaining weight. I knew it wasn't physically healthy. I knew it was my coping mechanism for emotional stress.
And I also knew that if I kept at it, I would work through my emotional issues. I knew I could. I believed I could. And I persevered.
You gain an amazing confidence in yourself when you lose 300 pounds. you realize that you can accomplish just about anything you set your mind to.
So I set my sites on the biggest challenge of my life. I set my mind on overcoming my mental health issues.
That journey turned out to be many times longer and many times harder then losing 300 lb. In fact, losing 300 pounds was a walk in the park compared to what I've been through these past few years.
Another thing I knew was that if I ever got to the other side of the darkness, I would come out of it stronger than I had ever been. And that would mean the resumption of my weight loss journey.
There has not been a doubt in my mind these past years that resolving my mental health conflicts would resolve my physical health struggles as well.
So where do I go from here?
I don't know. On a personal level I will continue to work on my mental health. I will continue to work on my physical health. I fully expect both to improve. But I make no promises. It seems I've had such enthusiasm before, as expressed in blog posts of recent years. I do, however see a fundamental difference. A few years ago I was hoping I was done working through my mental health issues, but the hard work was really just beginning.
I once fancied myself becoming a weight loss guru. I see now that my life journey is far bigger than that. It doesn't mean that I can't resume my efforts to help people with weight loss, but honestly, I see bigger fish to fry.
I may seek to help others with similar mental health challenges as mine.
Or I may choose to ride off into the sunset. I no longer desire a public spotlight. I no longer desire to be somebody important.
Perhaps, because I already am.
I do plan on future blog posts. But I've learned not to promise them.
Peace and Grace to all!
